Mountain Lagoon Full Monty Tractor Race

The Labour Day long weekend just passed marked a milestone in the history of Country Brewer sponsored events. After much lobbying and jockeying for best position, we managed to edge out all competition and became the main sponsor for the “King of the Mountain” event.

When most people think of “The King of the Mountain”, they think of Brocky, a race in Bathurst involving fast cars, high octane fuel, gutsy drivers, raw horsepower and lots of spectators in various states of inebriation.

Few people are aware that the REAL event is actually held on the Labour Day long weekend and hosted as a charity event by the Mountain Lagoon Bush Fire Brigade. It doesn’t attract the same number of competitors or spectators but it involves more horsepower per machine and perhaps as much but a different kind of guts from the drivers.

The main event of Mountain Lagoon’s picnic race day is a tractor race. Not just any tractor race though. The competitors in this event wear no nancy boy safety overalls or jump suits. They wear no namby-pamby crash helmets. They have no Pit-Poppsies hanging around the grid. Actually, considering the attire of the drivers, perhaps the Pit-Poppsies may not wish to partake in any case. You see, the tractor race is conducted with the drivers being totally naked. Yes, that’s right, nude, in their birthday suits, in the bollocky, however you want to describe it.

It was a perfect day for this inaugural event. It was warm with a slight breeze blowing just enough to give the flies something else to worry about rather than crawling up spectators noses. The sun wasn’t too harsh but the SPF30+ was still liberally slathered over much larger skin surfaces than was usual for the drivers.

The lead up to the big event involved such ultra competitive and highly specialised events as lawn mower races, pram races, boot throwing, 44 gallon drum rolling and even some handbag throwing. The incidental entertainment to keep the crowd wired included a bush band, a BBQ, lot’s of beer and an MC with Turrets Syndrome. The atmosphere was electric and continued to build in intensity as the time for the main event drew near.

Finally, it was time for the main attraction. To keep things a little tasteful and less traumatic for the kiddies, it was decided that competitors would drive their tractors down to the starting line while still clothed and disrobe at that point. Six competitors in all took part. They came in all shapes and sizes and all ages, both the drivers and the tractors.

The drivers cast off their clothes, climbed aboard their worthy steeds and gunned them to life with great clouds of smoke and roaring of engines…all except the oldest one that needed a push to get started.

With a flourish of a slightly soiled white flag, the official starter signalled the start of the race. The crowd roared (with laughter) as the tractors leapt forward. The race was a close one, or at least it would have been if all the tractors were going in the same general direction but it was exciting none the less. It was a very close contest between the two favourites, Baby’s Arm and Donkey were so close that it would have had to have been a photo finish.

After two or three laps of the paddock, the race was deemed to have been completed. The inaccuracy of the decision was put down to the race starter focusing on getting himself another beer rather than watching the race.

As with all big events like this, there was controversy. The winning driver, Donkey, was disqualified because he had decided to wear a sheepskin wrapped around his shoulders. This was entirely against the race entry rules and so the trophy (a beaten up tea-pot) and the prize (a car wreck dragged out of the bush) were awarded to the driver of Baby’s Arm.

The winner was presented with his prizes by Shawn and Chris (aka The Reverend) from the Country Brewer. The whole day was deemed to be a success by the organisers. In fact the Country Brewer was invited to be the main sponsor for next year’s event. Things just keep getting better and better!

Chris (aka The Reverend) - TCB Richmond

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